Pitchfork Reviews 6/11/10

Crystal Antlers
EP
[Self-Released; 2008]

Pitchfork gave it an 8.5.

There is no way to touch this without getting cliché all over myself.

It's like cliché glitter.

Seriously, I dare you to have an interesting opinion about this. The music itself is fine, if a little try-too-hardy from a medium good band. But then they go and call themselves Crystal Antlers and the music has no particular angle. It's just "General Rock." Go ahead. Listen to some Crystal Antlers and then tell me what you think. Just try it.


Adem
Takes
[Domino; 2008]

Pitchfork gave it a 7.5.

You know what's just about as bad as "quirky?"

"Charming."

Don't charm me, I'm not some teenaged babysitter who will totally fall for the old smirk-for-a-cookie razzle dazzle precocious child routine. These are MY cookies. You need to go cookieless, kid. It'll be good for you. Oh, and by the way these cookies are emeffing DELICIOUS. Ha ha, fuck you. Your mom bought you that shirt from Threadless kids because she feels guilty that she doesn't love you.

Maybe now you can write a charming little song about loss and pain, and you can drum it out on your little Fisher Price tambourine or whatever little goofy thing you're working on. Aaaats a good little boy.


Paavoharju
Laulu Laakson Kukista
[Fonal; 2008]

Pitchfork gave it an 8.3.

I was all set to be excited that music from a developing country could get this pretentious, but then it turns out these people are from Finland. These fuckers aren't risking anything. They're on the dole. They're "experimenting" with "genre jumping" just in case one of the things they do hits, including "experimenting" and "genre jumping," because that way they can go back to heroin instead of slumming it with government methadone.


Cassettes Won't Listen
Small-Time Machine
[Self-Released; 2008]

Pitchfork gave it a 4.0.

Even if I am in an itchy mood, it's a bad sign when I'm listening to a 30-second clip and can't make it all the way through. These guys are like... yeah, no thanks.


Yoav
Charmed & Strange
[Verve Forecast; 2008]

Pitchfork gave it a 2.0.

This guy makes delay-pedal dance music using only an accoustic guitar. Once people fail to be impressed by it, you'll eventually be able to check this dude out in the kidz entertainment tent at some local street fest.

Dammit. I knew this was going to happen sooner or later. I listened to everything P-Fork looked at 2 years ago, and it made me think of nothing. The Ghostbusters should have listened to Crystal Antlers, Adem, Paavoharju, Cassettes Won't Listen, and Yoav when they were on top of that building. New York would have been killed by an maybe-I-can-make-fun-of-the-band's-name storm.