Pitchfork Reviews 6/19/08

Scott Kelly
The Wake

Steve Von Till
A Grave Is a Grim Horse
[Neurot; 2008]

Pitchfork gave them a 6.5 and a 7.5.

So these two guys are grouped together because they're both from the metal band Neurosis. This is solo stuff in the late-career I'm an old man now and I'm tired of the world and I sound like Nick Cave vein. It's like this except good. I don't know what to say about it. If you're into medium good lyrics and dark-sounding gravelly voices, and/or you're into metal but you're too old to headbang without fucking up your back for like a week, this stuff is for you.


Tilly and the Wall
O
[Team Love; 2008]

Pitchfork gave it a 7.6.

Put it this way: there's a reason why these songs are all available on YouTube, and it's probably not because people love them.

I know it's wrong of me, but I immediately started having very dismissive and sexist thoughts about the three women in this band. They're lookers. They look too good to rock, in fact. They sound like they look too good to rock, too. And they're from Omaha. I have a theory about girls from Omaha. It is not a polite theory, except insofar as it involves a prediction of greatness and also the single nicest thing you can do to a man. I feel gross about the fact that strangers on YouTube in a cutesy indie band are making me think about this theory with sufficient enthusiasm as to experience a heart palpitation upon reading that these people are from Omaha. As a matter of fact, I'm thinking of all manner of horribly pornographic ideas right now.

It sucks because now I have to face the fact that I'm capable of being turned on by a "girl band," and not a particularly great one, either. I hate it. The tapdancing gimmick, too. It's like they're just being so cute and fun and friendly and silly and great, and that's tapping into my inner monster and making me all pervy, like a gross old man who's on the outside rather than on the inside where it's just good fun in the name of fun for young people. It's making me feel like a monster. And worse: old. Out of touch. Like I get that I don't get it. Like if these people were my friends and me was around, I'd feel uncomfortable and hope that me would just go away. God, I have never been more angry at my boner. It's like as much as I'm mad at my boner, I'm equally as mad at these people for causing such an unhealthy "urge to destroy" style boner. This must be what child molesters feel like.

Luckily, my brain is screaming out in agony: "The only female musicians it's ok to have a crush on are really good drummers in bands that actually rock! This is not ok! This is like reading Manga porn! If you feel your boat being floated by this, skip it, go watch some regular porn, calm yourself down if you have to, but don't let your boner tell you about your taste in music! Listen to the song without looking at the video. You don't like this. Remember: you don't like this. Sure it's fun and bouncy and girly, but you don't like that as much as you like oogling these young ladies, you sicko. Get a grip. You're still too young to fall for that whole Suicide Girls thing. Those girls are all crazy and gross. Remember that time you hung out with that waitress who wanted to be a Suicide Girl? She was sad and weird. They're all probably like that, and the reason why is their constant exposure to people who think they look like that on purpose as some kind of a come-on for rapers rather than just being slightly confused but good-looking regular people who just happen to have been born with those cheekbones. Don't be like one of those people who makes these women crazy without them knowing why. Relax! In fact, reminder alert: you have a wonderful, beautiful girlfriend already. Call her."

Ok. Thanks, brain.

Now here's the other thing. Is it ok to assume that a band sucks simply because the people in it are too good looking? Yes, I think so. If it was a bunch of pretty boys, I'd think the same thing. I'm not saying that a bunch of lookers can't possibly rock, but I am saying that true rock is ugly. You have to be willing to make yourself ugly for it, or at least not care how you look. Tilly and the Wall do not appear to be willing to do so.

You know what these people are? They're rockteases. No wonder I was letting myself get all worked up. These people are professionals. Or at least they're trying their damndest to get out of Omaha. Which is part of my theory, actually.

Sorry. I am genuinely ashamed of myself. Thanks a lot, Tilly and the Wall. I hope you guys have to stay in Omaha and be a stalwarts of the Omaha rock scene for the rest of your lives. That would serve them right.


The Notwist
The Devil, You + Me
[Domino; 2008]

Pitchfork gave it a 7.7.

I always kind of thought that The Notwist were like an electroclash band. Maybe that's because the only time I ever heard them was in this one girl's car. She wore striped socks on her wrists, that kind of a thing. I just assumed she was super into electroclash. She probably didn't even know what it was, though, and she just saw striped socks on the wrist in a magazine somewhere and decided to go for it. Maybe that's why electroclash never went anywhere. For a while there it was like "Yeah, maybe THIS is what we're doing" and then it just went away. I don't really know why, it was fun at the time. Maybe it was because September 11th happened and we were all sitting around looking like slackjawed idiots with striped socks on our wrists.

Anyway, The Notwist, to their credit, are not an electroclash band. I think I was thinking of Numbers. Less to The Notwist's credit, though, they're actually worse than an electroclash band. They're moody electronic sad bastard music. I'm glad I sorted that out in my brain, and I can just go back to not giving a shit about these guys.


The Ting Tings
We Started Nothing
[Sony; 2008]

Pitchfork gave it a 3.8.

I have a feeling I'm going to agree with Pitchfork on this one. I hate it when they trash something and I agree with it, and I hate it even more that I'm more likely to disagree with them when they say something is good than I am when they say that something sucks. But maybe that's fine. I do have two years of hindsight working for me, and very few things are as good as they might seem on first listen.

Oh yeah. For sure. I hate it. It took like 3 seconds to know.

What else? Well, I guess I can take some comfort in the fact that I have a total non-boner for this. That's good. If I'm gonna be a perv throughout my 30's, and the jury's still out on that, at least I'm gonna be a perv for more homemade cutesy stuff instead of biting on whatever approximation-of-sexy fishing lure Sony records is throwing at me. I mean I get that that's still a demeaning way of thinking about a person who's just doing a thing, but this time there's no argument that the thing being done is shitty, and also that lady knew what she was getting into when that dress got picked out from the wardrobe department.

It's the difference between amateur porn and professional porn, I guess. As gross and manipulative and still terrible as amateur porn is, at least you're not falling for some completely false faketitted moanmonster. If I can't suppress my prurient interest, at least do me the favor of approximating some kind of intimacy-based authenticity so that my fantasy world does not place me the role of simpering idiot John with money to burn on a hooker. I'm not into that. I like regular-style fun for free. Nice try, Sony.


Auburn Lull
Begin Civil Twilight
[Darla; 2008]

Pitchfork gave it a 6.4.

These guys save themselves from instant pretentious ambient music oblivion by bothering to have vocals. I feel like that's a rare enough feat to be mildly impressed by it. I was all set to go "oh no" and just be done with today, and then the vocals kicked in. They're nothing special, they're just there enough to remind you that you're listening to a band and not a museum exhibit. Which in turn is enough to remind you that it's ok to be on drugs, which is pleasant, especially if you're on drugs. Drugs make you paranoid sometimes. And so do museum exhibits.