Pitchfork Reviews 6/2/08

Leviathan
Massive Conspiracy Against All Life

Lurker of Chalice
Lurker of Chalice
[Moribund; 2008 / Total Holocaust; 2005/2008]

Pitchfork gave them an 8.0/7.5.

It's funny, I was just thinking about my aesthetic. I think it boils down to this: I like rock music by people I could fight to a draw. If they could kick my ass and come on real strong bragging about it in the music, I get intimidated, and if it sounds like I could kick their asses, I get frustrated. I don't want to be threatened, just engaged. I also don't want to be serenaded to by some sniveling wimp.

Super aggro stuff like Pantera and Gorgoroth I like ironically, because they scare the shit out of me, and instead of just admitting that I can't hang, I prefer to think that THEY can't hang with ME. Ha ha, you guys are super metal. Ha ha. (Please don't hit me, I'm fragile.)

But Mastodon doesn't intimidate me. Those guys could each probably kick my ass, but they're all super funny dudes. They'd probably rather riff on goofs with me at a barbecue than kick my ass. Mastodon fans, maybe a different story. They can't all be ultra-positive, help you up after slamming you down in the pit types. So just to be safe, I'll stick to quietly listening to Mastodon records without making too big of a deal about it.

I could hang with the Lightning Bolt guys in a fight. That fight would be awesome and stupid and fun, and probably involve whipping super balls at each other while somebody named Brian tries to bite your arm.

That guy from the Decembrists? I could kick his ass. I'd even kind of want to. Or at least stomp on his glasses.

What about easygoing non-rockish music that I like? Sam Prekop would fight to a draw. That guy knows superpeace Tai Chi martial arts shit, probably. Like I'd try to rush him, and he'd hum some little ditty and push me aside, and keep doing it until I gave up.

So it's close. Relative asskicking is close to being a true cure-all reason why I either like or don't like something.

Anyway, this stuff doesn't qualify. I would not fight this guy. I would just mock him for wearing makeup and being super pissed off at his parents, and then run like a chicken if he tried something, and make him laugh by pretending to fall in a super funny way, and then we'd be buddies.

I don't like this stuff, though. I get it buddy, you hate everything. You love death metal and bad vibes. Boo hoo hoo. Here's an idea: try a melody. Maybe that'll cheer you up. Or maybe you could try a bike horn or a clown nose to go with that makeup.

Ah! GERK! OW, NO FAIRSIES, I FELL! HEY TIME OUT! I CALL NO FAIRSIES! OH MY BALLS!


Weezer
Weezer (Red Album)
[DGC / Interscope; 2008]

Pitchfork gave it a 4.7.

Was Weezer always a joke band, or did I miss the transition point?


Ladytron
Velocifero
[Nettwerk; 2008]

Pitchfork gave it a 7.2.

Shittiest female-fronted band of the 90's. Go.

I say it's a fight to the death between The Cranberries and Garbage.

Shittiest female-fronted band of the 00's is less clear cut, so Ladytron has a pretty clear shot. It just wasn't a big decade for shitty female-fronted bands. It was more of a solo artist kind of timespan for female vocalists. I blame American Idol. So: until further investigation, this album serves as Ladytron's flag on the summit of Mount Shitty. Unless Gossip wants to fight them to the death.

Also, I would pay to see a fight to the death between The Cranberries and Garbage.


Wildbirds & Peacedrums
Heartcore
[Leaf; 2008]

Pitchfork gave it an 8.0.

Nope.


Nik Freitas
Sun Down
[Team Love; 2008]

Pitchfork gave it a 5.8.

This is not the kind of thing I would usually go for, but after a day that feels like Pitchfork is retroactively mad at me from two years ago, I'll take a little pleasant straightforward adult contemporary hum-singing. Sometimes after a long day's slog, the number one thing you want is to just be bored. I know that goes against a lot of stuff I said, but not really. This is boring. It's just some medium-good guy doing his best to make some songs. Thank God.

Shit. I'm really enjoying this after Weezer and Ladytron and Death Metal Guy and yelpy Swedish people who got an 8 from Pitchfork. And that's not possible. It's on Conor Oberst's label, for cryin' out loud. I can't like this.

Shit. This is how people become Eagles fans. Everything sucks and then they give up and become Goodtime Johnny beer-swilling nihilists hellbent on having Peaceful Easy Feelings.

Fuck that. That'll never be me. Now I'm pissed again.